You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
