i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
