Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
