I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
