Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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