You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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