the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
