"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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