I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
