what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
