I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
