The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
