I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
