i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
you are never too drunk for berry picking
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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