I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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