OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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