Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
