so that wasnt chicken after all
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
