I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
