I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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