This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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