He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
