I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
