weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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