flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize