You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Did I show you my penis last night?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
