oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
