In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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