Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
