I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
