needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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