you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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