Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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