Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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