It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
