wakey wakey hands off snakey
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
