I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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