there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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