so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
