Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Randomize
