she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Randomize
