Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
