Your face is a jimmy john
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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