Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
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