She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
