I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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