Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
