please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
a search helicopter?!
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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