apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Randomize
