I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
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